Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
