What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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