Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
