my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
