mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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