just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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