So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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