I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
