Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
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