She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
