Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
