It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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