Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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