i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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