All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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