That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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