One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
