im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
