today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
