Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
