I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
