Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
