I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
where am i from again
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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