guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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