The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
