apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
