i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
