I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
