Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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