I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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