By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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