i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
