Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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