dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
