i was born a porn star she said
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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