I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize