The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
