People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
