Dude my mom stole all your condoms
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
