1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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