i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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