and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
