Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
