conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
