I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
