Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
