have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
