if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
