Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
