I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
