that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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