true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
