oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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