sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
