Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
