he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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