Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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